Bad Jokes :D

Come on Nis, this is more funny than political

http://www.palinaspresident.us/
Keep openning the door.

New Stock Market Terms

CEO -- Chief Embezzlement Officer.

CFO-- Corporate Fraud Officer.

BULL MARKET -- A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.

BEAR MARKET -- A 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry, and the husband gets no sex.

VALUE INVESTING -- The art of buying low and selling lower.

P/E RATIO -- The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing.

BROKER -- What my broker has made me.

STANDARD & POOR -- Your life in a nutshell.

STOCK ANALYST -- Idiot who just downgraded your stock.

STOCK SPLIT -- When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally between themselves.

FINANCIAL PLANNER -- A guy whose phone has been disconnected.

MARKET CORRECTION -- The day after you buy stocks.

CASH FLOW-- The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.

YAHOO -- What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per share.

WINDOWS -- What you jump out of when you're the sucker who bought Yahoo @ $240 per share.

INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR -- Past year investor who's now locked up in a nut house.

PROFIT -- An archaic word no longer in use

Yeah.. Right now that's about right

Warning, may contain drug use and animal abuse.

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A man who just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.

The female blonde mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. She points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.

The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the Blonde mortician a blank check and she says, "I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing."

The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly.

She says to the mortician, "What ever this cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?"

To her astonishment, the blonde mortician presents her with the blank check.

"There's no charge," she says.

"No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!" she says.

"Honestly, ma'am," the blonde says, "it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice."

"So I just switched the heads."

A guy walks into a pet store and goes to the bird section. In there, he sees a beautiful parrot and says "hey there parrot, how's it goin?"

"It'd be goin a hell of a lot better if you'd buy me," the parrot replies.

"HOLY SHIT, YOU CAN TALK!" the man exclaims. He then turns to the pet store owner and asks "hey, how much for this parrot?"

"$20 bucks."

"$20 bucks!?!? I don't believe that!" The man exclaims. "Why so cheap?"

"got no legs." the pet store owner casually replies.

The man turns back to the parrot. "You have no legs?" he asks. "Then how do you perch like that?"

"I wrap my penis around the stick and perch that way." the bird responds.

Well, the man really doesn't have a problem with this, and he's in need of some good conversation anyway, so he brings the bird home. The next day he gets home from work, excited as hell to talk to his new bird.

"Hey there, bird! How was your day?" he asks as he comes in the door.

"You'd better sit down, I have some bad news for you." the bird responds.

"Oh no! This sounds bad!" the man says. His smile fades as he sits down. "What is it?"

"Well, today while you were gone at work, the mailman stopped by. He rang the doorbell, and your wife answered wearing nothing but a bra and panties."

"She WHAT?!" the man exclaimed.

"Wait, there's more." said the bird.

"Oh boy. Ok, go ahead."

"Well, after she answered the door, they started kissing."

"Oh this is just TERRIBLE!!" exclaimed the man. "Then what happened?"

"Well, then he started to run his hands up and down her body and massage her breasts."

The man is distraught. He doesn't want to know the answer but he can't help it, he has to know. "THEN WHAT???" he asks.

The bird responds "I dunno, I got a hardon and fell off the stick."

hahahaha

what ? didn't you hear the latest ?

The economy is getting bad ... it's rough out thier . It's so bad now , You have corperate ceo's and hookers merging together for the sole purpose of more efficently screwing the general public .,

:lol: Nice Kat






Hey Kirbs, remember this? :tongue:

That's jokes in it's own :lol:

Naw, shoulda dressed up like Princess Peach. That would have been its own.

So I have a question. How come 2 million African-Americans can get into Washington D.C. in a day in freezing temperatures, but 200,000 could not get out of New Orleans in 85 degree weather with 4 days notice?

No motivation? /shrug I donno =/

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night to meet & have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out & make love for the first time.

The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it's his first time & the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms & sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time & all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house & meets his girlfriend at the door. 'Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!' The boy goes inside & is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace & bows his head. A minute passes & the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down. 10 minutes pass & still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over & whispers to the boyfriend, 'I had no idea you were this religious.' The boy turns & whispers back, 'I had no idea your father was a pharmacist.'

The Love Story of Ralph And Edna.
Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't
mean they don't love you with all they have. Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out.

When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable. When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love. I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness. The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.'

Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?'

the economy's bad ... it's rough out there I tell ya ... It's so bad that Ben ate Jerry's instead of the ice cream . :bravo:

the economy's getting bad .... It's so bad now . A-Rod had to stop using steroids an trade them in for flintstones vitamins .