Bad Jokes :D

Penguins Go to the Zoo

A man drives to a gas station and has his tank filled up. The gas pumper spots two penguins sitting in the back seat of the car.
He asks the driver, "What's up with the penguins in the back seat?"

The man in the car says "I found them. I asked myself what to do with them, but I haven't had a clue."

The clerk ponders a bit then says, "You should take them to the zoo."

"Hey, that's a good idea," says the man in the car and drives away.

The next day the man with the car is back at the same gas station. The clerk sees the penguins are still in the back seat of the car.

"Hey, they're still here! I thought you were going to take them to the zoo."

"Oh, I did," says the driver, "And we had a swell time. Today I am taking them to the beach."





Trip to Bali

A Cork radio station was running a competition; words that weren't in the dictionary yet could still be used in a sentence that would make logical sense. The prize was a trip to Bali.

DJ: "96FM here, what's your name?"
Caller: "Hi, my name's Dave."
DJ: "Dave, what's your word?"
Caller: "Goan... spelt G-O-A-N, pronounced 'go-an'."
DJ: "...You are correct, Dave, 'goan' is not in the dictionary. Now for a trip to Bali: What sentence can you use that word in that would make sense?"
Caller: "Goan fuck yourself!"

The DJ cut the caller short and took other calls. All were unsuccessful until:

DJ: "96FM, what's your name?"
Caller: "Hi, me name's Jeff."
DJ: "Jeff, what's your word?"
Caller: ""Smee... spelt S-M-E-E, pronounced 'smee'."
DJ: "...You are correct, Jeff, 'smee' is not in the dictionary. Now, for a trip to Bali: What sentence can you use that word in that would make sense?"
Caller: "Smee again! Goan Fuck yourself!"

Anyone else care to share?

Well that last one made me chuckle :tongue:

I went into my proctologist's office
for my first rectal exam
His new nurse, Evelyn,
took me to an examining room
And told me to get undressed and have a seat
Until the doctor could see me .
She said that he would only be a few minutes





After putting on the gown that she gave me
I sat down
While waiting I observed
that there were three items on a stand
next to the exam table:

A Tube of K-Y jelly,
a rubber glove
and a beer ..




When the doctor finally came in I said,
'Look Doc, I'm a little confused .
This is my first exam ..
I know what the K-Y is for
and I know what the glove is for,

But can you tell me what the BEER is for?





At that Doctor Paul became noticeably outraged and stormed over to the door ...

He flung the door open and yelled to his nurse .. . . .


Darn it Evelyn !!!





I said a BUTT LIGHT'

That's brutal, Arch.

Two guys walk into a bar. Third one ducks.

So...a baby seal walks into a club...

So...a baby seal walks into a club...

And PETA sues Louisville Slugger?

There's 3 friends sitting in a bar, and they see on the news that the Pope is coming to town the next day.
One of them, Jim, says "I bet you guys a years supply of beer, I can get the Pope to talk to me"
His friends all laugh and take the bet, thinking they'll win.

The next day, 2 of the guys, Bob and Larry, are back at the bar, but no Jim.
They wait for a few hours, then give up, and watch the tv, which is showing the Pope's parade.
Suddenly, the parade stops, and the camera pans over to the front, where a man is standing in the middle of the road.
It's Jim, with camping gear around his feet, standing with his arms crossed, waiting.
The police go and try to move him, but Jim is a very big guy, and they just can't.
Firefighters, Ambulance drivers, everybody, they all try and fail.
Finally, the Pope gets out of the Popemobile, walks up to Jim and blesses him, sending him on his way.

An hour later, Jim comes into the bar, Bob and Larry walk up to him "What'd he say to you man?"
Jim looks down at them and makes the same motion the Pope did, and says "This your shit? Get the fuck off the road"

A little old lady goes to the doctor and says, "I can’t stop passing gas. Luckily, my farts don’t smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact, I’ve farted twice since I’ve been here in your office, but you didn’t even notice."

"I can help you," says the doc. "Take these pills and come back next week."

The next week, the lady returns. "Doctor," she says, "I don’t know what you gave me, but now my farts reek."

The doctor says, "Good, we fixed your sinuses! Now let’s work on your hearing."

This is one of my all time favorites....

Is hell exothermic or endothermic?

Dr. Schambaugh, of the University of Oklahoma School of Chemical Engineering, Final Exam question for May of 1997. Dr. Schambaugh is known for asking questions such as, "why do airplanes fly?" on his final exams. His one and only final exam question is May 1997 for his Momentum, Heat and Mass Transfer II class was: "Is hell exothermic or endothermic? Support your answer with proof."
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we postulate that if souls exist, then they must have mass. If they do, then a mole of souls can also have mass. So, at what rate are souls moving into hell and at what rate are souls leaving? I think we can safely assume that once a soul gets to hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for souls entering hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, then you will go to hell. Since there are more than one of these religions and people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all people and souls go to hell.

With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change in volume in hell. Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in hell to stay the same, the ratio of the mass of the souls and volume needs to stay constant.

Two options exist:

If hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter hell, then the temperature and pressure in hell will increase until all hell breaks loose.
If hell is expanding at a rate faster then the increase of souls in hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until hell freezes over.
So which is it? If we accept the quote given to me by Theresa Manyan during Freshman year, "that it will be a cold night in hell before I sleep with you" and take into account the fact that I still have NOT succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then Option 2 cannot be true...
Thus hell is exothermic.

The student, Tim Graham, got the only A in the class.

Okay, two Jews walk into a bar.. Wait, what? You don't let Jews into your bars? You racist bastard. ;p


Okay.. Here's one.

The Seven Dwarves go to Rome. While in in the area they go to Vatican City and visit the holy church of whatever is there. They're in the cathedral and Dopey walks up to one of the priests and asks, "Are there any dwarf nuns here in Rome?"

The priest furrows his brow and asks Dopey to wait a moment while he asks one of the Cardinals. A few minutes later, he comes back with a negative response. Dopey looks around a little nervously and then asks, "Well, are there any dwarf nuns anywhere in Italy?"

The priest again asks Dopey to wait a moment, then leaves and comes back again with a negative response. By this time Dopey is looking around, very flustered and is shuffling his feet in an awkward manner. After a moment, he looks up at the priests and asks, "So, are there any dwarf nuns anywhere in the Catholic church?"

The priest leaves once again for a few minutes, then comes back and tells Dopey there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the Catholic church. In the background, the other dwarfs are snickering as they chat, "Dopey fucked a penguin, Dopey fucked a penguin..."

=)


SILENCE!! I KILL you!

hahahaha sonic

Okay, two Jews walk into a bar.. Wait, what? You don't let Jews into your bars? You racist bastard. ;p


SILENCE!! I KILL you!

Sonic is onto something here and I'm sorry he didn't share it with the rest of you....here is the link to watch Jeff Dunham and Ackmed.

:lol: I love Jeff Dunham, guy's fucking harilous

This is from Kindergarten mind you, but remains one of my favorites to this day.

How do you catch a Polar Bear?

First you cut a hole in the ice. Then you put peas all around the hole.

When the Polar Bear comes to take a pea, you kick him in the icehole.

::Snicker::

Hmm. That joke of yours does explain a few things, Star.. Yes.. icehole.. Bet you were all about them polar bears, huh? ;p

Hanak, your joke made me /giggle so much I thought I'd leave one for you....


If ducklings are baby ducks... then why would you ever eat dumplings?